things i never knew

For 16 years

I have been wrong about my best friend’s gender

The custody battle next door I wasn’t aware of

An uncle’s marriage

One date, one pregnancy

Four kids later, divorce is a whispered word at the holidays

Now

The woman my sister pet-sits for

Is having sex in my fourteen year old neighbor’s room

And the husband of the lady who cuts my hair is having an affair

With a married woman

So she’s leaving him

But not before sending her adopted son

To boarding school

Because she can’t handle his trauma

From being raped in Israel

Before he even turned seven

 

She still cuts my hair

and we make polite conversation

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today is a day to put on a hat

today is a day to put on a hat

no smile, no nod, no small talk – fuck that

today is a day to be MAD at the world

for making you this utterly unkissable girl

today is a day to think about that moment

when everyone laughed and you felt so alone and

today is a day to revert

wear jeans and sneakers and a movie quote t-shirt

today is a day to feel the spots on your skin

and weirdly wish to be 14 again

when to be insecure was how you were supposed to feel

and money and boys and careers weren’t real

today is a day to protect your dreams

sew yourself up, fix the rips at the seams

today is a day to say fuck that

today is a day to put on a hat

12:30pm at a Starbucks

 

He rotates the Starbucks cup in his hand

“Maggie?” he asks, as on me his eyes land

I nod and I smile, then I take my treat

and turn to go and grab a seat

but “I like your shirt,” he says with a grin

That’s when my imagination takes me for a spin.

We’re sharing a blanket and watching Die Hard

I’m laughing at a funny hand-drawn birthday card

His hand is roaming down to my butt as we kiss

We’re playing pool and teasing each other when we miss

The scene plays out, we’re dancing in the kitchen, only us two

He’s stroking my cheek with his thumb, saying “I love you,”

but I’m pulling away, anxiety ruining the bliss

His voice is cracking angrily, “you always do this”

Cue the Adele and the rain as I’m walking down the street

when I realize this is a mistake I don’t want to repeat

I’m running back to my room, but you’re already there

“I’m sorry,” I say, your hands in my hair

The audience is applauding, they cry that it’s fate

 

“Thanks,” I say, just a little too late.

 

His back is already to me, his hands in the sink

He gets ready to make the next customer’s drink

scrolling

i think i should’ve dated him but

one new notification from facebook

did i remember to email my professor

that reminds me

what time am i signed up for

how long has it been since i called her

i should make that playlist of friendship-themed

i hope i listened to her and she doesn’t think my silence meant i resent her for

this buzzfeed article about eating healthy will only stress me out so

why am i clicking on it

wonder what my face looks like right now

how come my skin is both oily and dry

i should drink more water

one new email

one new game request

do other people sweat this much

have i checked my grades recently

she looks so happy in this picture

why am i not like

someone tagged you in a picture

i look happy

probably because, for once

i wasn’t scrolling

things i’m sorry for

i’m sorry i stayed up until 2 last night watching MTV instead of sleeping

i’m sorry i said my mom was a bad parent for not calling

i’m sorry i cried after she did

i’m sorry i talk with my hands too much during interviews

i’m sorry i talk too much

i’m sorry i sometimes dislike my friends for being happy

i’m sorry i don’t understand W-4s and direct deposit forms

i’m sorry i don’t know how to use concealer and i don’t own a blazer or dress pants or a car

i’m sorry i think my life would somehow be better if i did

i’m sorry that i talk more about reading than i actually do read

i’m sorry that i’m 18 and i wiped my booger on the wall

i’m sorry i lied

i’m sorry i’m not actually sorry about that

i’m sorry that i glanced at the clock only during your parts of our conversation

i can tell you that coffee isn’t an adequate substitute for sleep

and the Beatles’ last album was Abbey Road

but we still won’t win at trivia

i stole a pen yesterday

i’m sorry about that